How to Get Closure

An amazing thing happened on Saturday. I was at my ex's apartment, a place where I decidedly should not have been, when I found something that I've spent the last two years looking for. I'd begun to believe it didn't exist, like a mirage or Atlantis or an unfunny episode of Family Guy, but then, lying in his bed, I found it. Closure.

Here's the thing. I've been searching for closure with this one person for the last 2 years. I found lots of ex sex and emotional breakdowns, but no closure. It seemed to be a fictional concept found only in novels, therapist's offices and that episode of Friends where Rachel gets drunk and leaves Ross a voicemail declaring that she had found "Closure. C-l-o-s-u-r-e, cllooosureeee."

But, wait a minute... even that was fake. Rachel ended up married with a baby. I can't say I expect my situation to turn out quite like that, but I can empathize with the fact that it ain't over til it's over.

If I've learned anything throughout this ordeal, it's that you cannot force yourself to get over someone. I've had the "closure" talk at least 16 times with this person, but each time, things started up again a week, two weeks, one month later. I've gone on quests for magic potions and magic therapists, but after two years, I've come to believe that relationships, and break-ups, must evolve at their own pace. Time is the only cure-all, and only once you've both hit the right frame of mind will it truly be done.

The worst thing about this is that you don't know when it will come. I hadn't planned to see him on Saturday. But for some reason, when he called me up that morning and said "come over," I did. I brought everything bagels and smelly cream cheese to stave off a hook-up yet still found myself lying in his bed, thinking I should leave. He asked me what I was thinking about, I told him and then everything poured out. We had the most honest conversation we've ever had, and though a lot of it had been said before, we were both in a time and place to accept it. And now I can say with great confidence that we are only friends.

I know you're probably saying, "Good luck, baby. Get back to me in two months." But I'm really serious this time, and the only justification I can give is that this talk felt different. Seriously. I'm a firm believer in gut reactions, and this time, my gut is telling me it's done.

But then again, I'm speaking only from my own experiences. What are your two cents? Can a relationship really be done with the first break-up, or will feelings linger that, given the right circumstances, will morph back into a relationship? Can you force a break-up or does it have to evolve?

 

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